After my first suicide attempt at 17 years old, people said some of the most amazingly ridiculous things, both to directly to me and about me. I’d hate to believe that they were trying to be intentionally hurtful, but hurtful they were. There were things said to me that my older, wiser, current self is still recovering from. Those wounds were deep and raw for a very long time. It wasn’t until very recently that I began to realize how much shame and hatred I was holding on to based on things said by people who had long since exited my life. I have no doubt that if you’re reading this page, you never want to be that hurtful person. But what should you say? How can you help?
There is no perfect script of what to say to someone after they attempt to take their own life. The language that you use can be a delicate matter, and an important way to show your support. Here are some suggestions for speaking with someone who attempted suicide:
1.) Don’t fixate on why they did it, or feel like you need to find solutions or fix problems — that falls to the mental health professionals and some seriously hard work ahead for the individual. YOUR responsibility is to create a safe space with open, non-judgemental communication. Remind them they are loved just the way they are and they are worthy of happiness in life.
2.) Keep reaching out to the individual, and continue inviting them to things even when you feel that they’re doing better. Don’t wait for them to ask you for support or ask you to spend time together.
3.) Be patient, the individual may have different needs at various points of their recovery. Some days they might want to talk, and other times they may prefer not to. Spend time with them even if they don’t open up to you — you may not say anything at all, but your presence is what matters.
4.) Make your conversation compassionate and focus on the person, instead of the “taboo” of talking about suicide.
5.) Avoid using words like “failed” or “unsuccessful” when referring to a suicide attempt. Don’t use phrases that convey criticism, guilt or blame, such as “how could you do this to me?” or “how could you be so stupid?”
6.) It’s unhelpful to preach, lecture, dramatize the situation, or be dismissive as if it’s no big deal. Don’t be the person that dumps salt in their very fresh wounds.
If you’re supporting a loved one who attempted suicide, you’ll probably also be dealing with a wide range of your own emotions. It’s crucial to remember that you will be more effective and better able to care for the individual, if you have supportive outlets to meet your own emotional and physical needs.
You might feel like there’s a lot of pressure to do or say the right thing, however it’s not up to you to understand why it happened or solve things for the individual. Your role is to be part of their support system, to listen without judgement, and to encourage them to maintain healthy habits.
Sources:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. When a loved one has made an attempt.
afsp.org/when-a-loved-one-has-made-an-attempt/
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Attempt Survivors.
988lifeline.org/help-yourself/attempt-survivors/
Think Mental Health. Supporting someone after a suicide attempt.
thinkmentalhealthwa.com.au/supporting-others-mental-health/supporting-someone-after-a-suicide-attempt/